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Well hello there, friend. I'm so happy you decided to join me for this episode. It's one that I think is important and we have to talk about, because I don't know that it's being talked about enough.
Today's episode, I'm going to talk about gossip and why it is utterly terrible for our mental health. I want to discuss this talk that happens behind the scenes and how incredibly damaging it is to relationships, to your self-esteem, to other people's self-esteem, and to give you an opportunity to understand that gossip is not living an authentic life. And I guess for me, that's the important thing, is like it's a very common point of disconnection actually, in our culture, when all we really want to do is feel connected, you know? It's like a way we connect and it disconnects us.
So if you tend to talk about others with people, like kind of who doesn't, right? It's again, part of our culture. If you get wrapped up in it, or you feel you're affected by gossip, other people's gossip about you or other people's gossip just in general, this episode's going to help you sort through why it's happening and put an end to the gossip misery merry-go-round. I'm so, I actually did an episode on gossip already because it drives me absolutely bananas.
And I did this silly project a few years ago where I watched this YouTube video and it was like, here's what you do in the face of gossip, I dare you to stop. And I was like, I can stop. I have no problem with gossip.
And I realized that all around me were women talking about other women, or women talking about people in general. Men don't gossip as much, do they? I don't know if that's true or not true. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Maybe they do. Maybe it's silly to say that. Of course, we all gossip.
It's a nasty habit. When we spend time assessing others according to our standards, it actually hurts us more deeply than it does other people usually. Because oftentimes it's what I call, what I call because of Tara Brach, I got this from her, below the line, which means it's like, we don't know we're doing it.
We have no idea how negative and kind of inauthentic it is to like talk about other people. And it doesn't help us grow. It actually stunts our growth.
Now, I mean, that's not medically proven, but I'm just saying. So, you know, I want to say that gossip is, and I'm coming to you kind of personal about this because I've been through this like weird journey with gossip. It's about, it's, it's about us.
It's about the person who's talking. It's not about whoever we're talking about, whether we're saying they're bad parents or they're, you know, like lame or they're whatever smelly. I don't know.
What do you gossip about? All kinds of terrible things like so-and-so's husband did this and so-and-so said this to what's her name and so-and-so does this to me. And I'm so upset about it, but I won't go to her. And I'll just tell you, gossip isn't about the other person.
It's about us. When we talk about people, when you talk about people and they're not in the room and you're not, you're not like expressing something to them, then you're just expressing your own, well, frankly, your projection, right? Like, why do we do this? It's frustrating, isn't it? I mean, I remember, and often still, I find myself getting ready to say something about somebody. I'm like, what are you doing? Don't do that.
Because it never makes me feel good. It's not a constructive use of my time or my energy. Like, really, I'm holding on to somebody else's silliness.
I have my own silliness. I don't want people holding on to it. I don't think we mean to do it, is kind of what I'm getting at.
It's like a very culturally acceptable thing to do, and it's kind of unkind. It's very unkind. Typically, gossip.
Like, why are we talking about what's happening to other people or what's happened to other people? Why are we discussing other people's trauma, their heartbreak, their problems, their struggles? Why are we doing this, right? Because we want to be heard in our own heartbreak, our own struggles, our own dysfunction, our own poor parenting, our own whatever. Of course, it's an expression of our projection. Maybe I should do an episode on projection.
You let me know. But it's like bad energy, is what I'll say. It is, don't you think? It's kind of like it's stinky.
It definitely, I will say, hands down, gossip ruins relationships. And it's interesting because people do it together. And so you think, well, no, it doesn't.
It just brings us closer. No, it doesn't. Because when you're talking about so-and-so to who's he, what's it, then who's he, what's it starts going, I hope she doesn't talk about me like that.
I'm telling you, it leads to disconnection. It leads to distrust. Doesn't it? It leads to us self-protecting and feeling really, really lonely.
Not to mention, it's anxiety producing. It's terribly anxiety producing, isn't it? Because it's like, I remember having like gossip hangovers like, oh, no, I shouldn't have said that about my good friend. Or I shouldn't, you know, I shouldn't have said that about the person in our group.
I just shouldn't have said that. It wasn't okay. But you, my friend, are in the norm.
And I think right now is a good time for us both to get rid of this habit. I would like to say I have been in gossip recovery for a while. So I'm a good one to lead us down this path.
I am never perfect. And I always want to keep it above the line. Meaning I always want to know what I'm doing, what I'm saying about somebody and why I'm saying it and make sure that it has purpose and good intention.
Or else like, kind of doesn't need to be said. Friend, wouldn't you agree? I think that's a pretty good rule. I think when something is so ingrained in how we interact with other people, it's really hard to stop doing.
But the first thing that I would say is to exercise some compassion around this subject. The thing is, is we're just human beings. It's culturally completely appropriate to gossip.
And just trying to do better is good enough. So just watch for it. Just watch for the judgment of yourself.
Always. Thank you. And others.
Okay, just watch for it out in the world. Just start to note. Just be like, oh, that's gossip.
That's something I wouldn't want said about me, right? It's like you can discern what to you is gossip and what's not gossip. I mean, me telling so and so that what's her face is in the hospital. I don't really think that's gossip, especially if it's not private.
If it's private, I'm a vault. I'm a professional vault, actually. Did you know? I have space in my schedule.
So just watch for it. Just spend a couple weeks just noticing gossip. And notice how common it is, how people probably don't mean well, and how it's just a way that our own lack of work shows up.
Meaning like not everybody sees this as their biggest issue, frankly. And the fact that you're going to work on it is awesome. But not everybody's where you are.
You know what I mean? So just exercise compassion. But let people know like I'm doing an experiment and I'm just not participating in gossip right now. That's what I did when I was doing my experiment.
Maybe I'll go back to that. Here's the thing. Be intentional with your words.
This is from that book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Be intentional with the words that you speak from one person to another. Everybody's listening.
Are you spreading something that you would like to pick up in the world? Right? I do think of things as energy. And I think gossip is bad energy. I think it's just low.
I'll say it. I'm going to say it. It's low vibe.
They've measured energetic, you know, like the frequency of certain emotions. The frequency of certain topics. And this is a low frequency.
And if you've ever been depressed, my friend, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That is a low frequency. It's like you feel like something heavy is on you.
Gossip falls into this. So be intentional with your words and you're spreading good, high, good for us vibes. All right, that's enough of the energy talk.
Here's the thing. Anytime you're talking about somebody else, you're just talking about yourself. And so just see it as an opportunity to dig in and do some work.
So whether it's a little bit more self-compassion, a little bit more of like turning to yourself and being a better friend to yourself, or maybe it's just the need to stop comparing, which again, we're just like born and bred to do. Like look at the person next to you and figure out what's wrong with them. That's a survival instinct.
So don't get all like I'm so bad or whatever. I went through that. I was like, oh my God, like I've been participating in this for far too long.
Like I don't feel good about this. Spend like 30 seconds there and let that go. And then just like start again.
And every time you hear gossip, just say a little mantra to yourself. And like I said, I had a little quote unquote mantra that I repeated to other people, which was, I'm not, I'm doing an experiment. I'm not participating in gossip right now.
And then I remember just adding, and it feels really good actually. Right. And it wasn't like I'm trying to make people feel bad.
It's just like, I'm just a person that likes to be transparent about what I'm up to. But I did like have a little mantra is, I think my mantra is you're, you don't need to be part of this, I think is what my mantra was. And it was silent.
And I just repeated it to myself until I decided to either walk away, go somewhere else or the gossip ended. It doesn't last very long. Well, hopefully I've gone to parties where the whole thing was gossip.
Haven't you? Oh, so use a mantra to stop it. Just stop. You know, a good mantra is I'm not going to waste time judging someone else's experience.
Or I've decided I'm not going to talk about other people before anymore, because it makes me feel crappy. The next step is to just acknowledge that it happened and you don't want it to happen, meaning kind of apologize. Right.
And sometimes I do say, I'm sorry, friend. That's how I apologize to myself. Like, oh, geez, we got wrapped up in that again.
A lighthearted approach is very helpful. Lighten up. Did you listen to last week's episode? And then just begin again.
Just start over. Right? Just start from here. It's not like anybody's like, hey, there, Sally broke her three streak record on.
No, no one cares. You're just trying to be your best self in every moment. And if this feels like it resonates for you, then hopefully these ideas will help you just change the habit.
Change the well-worn groove in the mind. Don't forget that piece, right? Your brain is naturally inclined to do such a thing as gossip. We've been doing it from the beginning of time.
Did you ever watch The Queen? Yeah. Okay. Anyways, hopefully this episode will help you just kind of curb behavior that might tank your mental health.
Frankly, I'm out here for you teaching you about how to take really good care of your mental health by just doing a little bit of personal growth work at a time. And again, if you want to dig in a little bit with me, come join the club while I have this 30 days free special going on just for my listeners. The code is listen24 and it's on takeouttherapy.com. Come join takeout therapy club.
We're waiting for you. We've been waiting for you. All right.
I'll see you again next time. Thanks for listening. Thanks so much for joining me today.
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Yeah. Attention podcast listeners. Your mental health upgrade has finally arrived.
I'm gifting new members a 30 day free trial to the takeout therapy club. Your bite-sized path to wellbeing. Picture this monthly therapist led workshops, tackling real life struggles, bonus coaching sessions, and a supportive community for zero judgment high fives.
It's your personal toolkit for thriving delivered straight to your device. Ready to unlock your best self? Just enter the code. Listen 24 at takeouttherapy.com. That's it.
I even put an easy link below. Your free trial starts now. Investing in your mental health is the very fastest way to peace and take out therapy club makes it easy and affordable.
Let's start growing together with that code. Listen 24. This is better mental health delivered.